Sunday, March 2, 2014

Looking Back

Filing
Paperwork
Receipts
Honestly, Kenny had me trained.
Well, sort of.
I didn't actually do it his way,
but my way worked.

And now, it is time to go through everything.
1995-2005
It's kind of amazing when you look
at your life through your paperwork.

We have certainly been blessed,
which, in turn,
means a lot of paper.
Not my favorite thing.
But in in looking through the papers
I remember conversations.
The discussions we had.
Things we would do.

I found lists of Pros and Cons.
(I saved everything)
And now, I am shredding.

When someone you love has
Frontotemporal Degeneration
there are so many questions. 
When were were there signs?
What could we have
or should we have noticed?

I think the thing that amazes me is this.
Many of the conversations we were having 
the year before he was diagnosed 
were sharp.
They were intelligent.
He was truly my Kenny. 

I am so grateful for this time,
 looking through our papers.
Over the years, I questioned myself.
Wondered what I missed.
I'm sure I did miss things.
We were raising teens.
Life is crazy.
But we were connected.
I see that. 

And so I shred.
And shred.
Grateful, for beautiful memories of a life well lived.






3 comments:

Judith Ross said...

Just beautiful, Cheryl. And I love that last photograph, it says so much.

Jane and Lance Hattatt said...

Hello Cheryl:

Going through old papers in this way must in some ways be most heart wrenching. But it is equally good to recapture the memory of the good times of which we are sure there were many.

Susan Payton said...

Blogging around and found your blog. So sorry for your loss but happy for your memories. I am not sure if it is easier to have had a life time with someone or just not enough time. My 26 year old daughter in-law died this past Aug. A pace maker that just stopped working. We only had her in our family a couple years, but we will miss her always. I think the hardest part is to take your good memories and try to find a way to make them let you smile as the sun keeps coming up this morning. I know my son is struggling to do just that, plus to get visiting right to his step daughter he raised for two years. She was only four when her Mom died. May God give you strength as you see the sun come up each morning and you continue your own journey.
Susan
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